Calvin and Hobbes Quotes*
Created by Bill Watterson
Calvin: See, the Chicken Pox are gone.
Calvin's mom: That's good.
Calvin: Well, just remember that this week doesn't count.
Calvin's mom: Doesn't count?
Calvin: Right. Summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. I get to start school a week later now, so I get my full allotment of vacation.
(Later.) Calvin to Hobbes: What's the next Amendment say? I know it's in here someplace.
Calvin: (while eating dinner) ...My TV show is starting, I'm
missing my show!
Calvin's Dad: I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly
Calvin: What's the big deal about dinner? Why can't I go watch TV" Lots of people watch TV while they eat!
Calvin's dad: "Calvin, Dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while.
Calvin: We could all argue over what channel to watch.
Calvin's dad: You know what I mean.
Calvin:...I've missed half my show now. I hope you're happy.
Calvin's dad: You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway.
Calvin's dad: Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions.
Calvin's mom: I'll get it! I'm expecting a call.
Calvin: Go head dad, I believe you were saying something funny.
Calvin's dad: I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.
Calvin: "Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character."
Calvin: ...It seems that once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
Calvin: Me, Tarzan! King of Jungle!
Suzie: Nice underpants. Does your mom know you're over here dressed like this?
Calvin: I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
Calvin with a water balloon to himself: "to make instant
fun...just add water! Hehe hehe hehe.
Hobbes from atop a tree: Looking for someone?
Calvin: Uh, who? Me?? Ha ha ha ha! um..no-o. I mean, yes..but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you.
Hobbes: "Here's a hypothetical question for you. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do differently? ....ESPECIALLY if, by doing something different, today might not be your last day on earth.
Calvin looking back at the water balloon, "I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
...Suzie has "stolen" Hobbes. Calvin, to himself: "Oooh, that rotten Suzie! I hate her! I hate her! She'd better set Hobbes free.! So I kidnapped her stupid doll! She didn't need to retaliate! Can't she just take a joke?! Girls have no sense of humor! That's their whole problem! All this was funny until she did the same thing to me.
Calvin: In my opinion we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Calvin writing a paper: "In
the middle ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system."
Hobbes reading it over: "That's 'feudal' system"
Calvin: Just when I thought this junk was beginning to make sense.
Calvin: "It's freezing in here, I can almost see my
Calvin's dad: "The thermostat is at 68, where its going to stay. If you're cold why don't you go shovel the driveway and get your blood moving
Calvin wearing a sweater:
Calvin's dad: "Nice Sweater."
Calvin's get-well card to his mom, on the front it says,
"Get well soon." On the inside it says, "because my bed isn't
made my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin"
Calvin to Hobbes: Want to sign it?
Hobbes: Sure, I'm hungry too.
Calvin: Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be
going to school on a morning like this.
Hobbes: What would you do if you could stay home this morning?
Calvin: Sleep right through it.
Calvin: When I grow up I want to be a radical terrorist.
Calvin's Mom: Mm hmm
Calvin: I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide
Calvin's Mom: Mm hmm
Calvin: I'm going to watch TV all night.
Calvins Mom: That's what you think, buster!
Calvin: You can never tell if they're listening or not.
Calvin (to Hobbes): Wanna see something cool?....Watch. When you put bread in this slot and push down this lever...then a few minutes later toast pops up!
Hobbes: Wow. Where did the bread go?
Calvin: Beats me. Isn't that weird?
Calvin: Do you love me, Dad?
Calvin's Dad: Of course I do, Calvin.
Calvin: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Calvin's dad: Well of course ....I...Would.
Calvin: I mean something really really...
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, What did you do?!
Calvin: There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.
Calvin: If you can't win by reason, go for volume
Calvin: Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health
Lost: My tiger "Hobbes."
Calvin's Mom: Maybe you should describe him.
On the quiet side. Somewhat peculiar. A good companion, in a weird sort of way.
Calvin's Mom: I mean what does he look like?
Calvin: What's that smell?...Either mom's cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct....Boy does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it.
Calvin's Mom: I'm stewing some monkey heads.
Calvin: Monkey Heads?
Calvins Mom: They'll be soggy enough to eat in about 20 minutes.
Calvin: Really?? We're having monkey heads? We are not...are those really monkey heads?...I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like...Wow! Monkey Heads!
(At the dinner table.) Calvin: MM...kinda squishy. Ooh Look. Is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery....
Calvin's Dad: What? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey, what the heck is this?? Whatever it is, I'm not easting it!
(Calvin in bed.): It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's rediculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes?
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, Quit charging around the House!!
Calvin's Mom: What did I just TELL you?!?
Calvin: Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, quit horsing around!
Calvin: Hobbes is crowding me....
Calvin (To Hobbes:) This is my half of the seat. Got it, stripeypants? That's your side! You stay over there!
(Hobbes moves a finger over to Calvin's side of the seat.)
Calvin: I SEE THAT!!
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate, be quiet.
Calvin: Hobbes poked me.
Calvin's Dad: I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic.
(Calvin & Hobbes sit and silence and then start to make faces at each other, Calvin tells Hobbes to be quite a few times.)
Calvin's Dad: CALVIN, I THOUGHT I SAID I WANTED IT QUIET!!
Calvin: We were having a wierd face contest, Dad. But were all through now....you won.
Calvin: Why do you suppose we're here?
Hobbes: Because we walked here.
Calvin: No, No...I mean here on Earth.
Hobbes: Because earth can support life
Calvin: No, I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist?
Hobbes: Because we were born.
Calvin: Forget it.
Hobbes: I will. Thank you.
Calvin: Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom?
Calvin's Mom: No.
Calvin: Why not?
Calvin's Mom: You'll get soaked.
Calvin: What's wrong with that?
Calvin's Mom: You could catch pneumonia. Run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die.
Calvin: I always forget. If you ask a Mom, you get a worst-case scenario.
Hobbes: I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
Calvin (talking to his dad, who is fixing Calvin's wagon): You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon had no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object.
Calvin's Dad: Umm...why do you bring this up?
Calvin: Oh, no reason.
Calvin's Mom: Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table.
Calvin: I'm watching Television
Calvin's Mom: NO you're not!
Calvin: Yes I am. I'm right here in front of it!
Calvin: Can I ride in the grocery cart?
Calvin's Mom: I think you're a little big for that now.
Calvin's Mom: All right. Up you go.
Calvin: Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
Calvin: Easy, easy...Hold it still...There! Look! I did it! I'm balancing!
Hobbes: That's good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up?
Calvin's Mom: Quit squirming Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt.
Calvin: Rats. I was saving it for later....Thanks for the ice cream Dad. It was great.
Calvin's Dad: Your welcome.
Calvin (to Hobbes): I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride.
Hobbes: Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream. So I get to ride both ways.
Calvin: NO, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride!
Hobbes: Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling.
Calvin: I've got news fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either.
Hobbes: Well then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die.
Calvin's Dad: Why do these "walks" always turn into rides?
Calvin's mom: Oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Calvin's Father: Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
Calvin: What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now?
Hobbes: Take the worst thing you can imagine, and imagine something a hundred times worse then that.
Calvin: You'd do that?
Hobbes: No, I'd do something even worse.
Hobbes: Your packing?
Calvin: Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes. We're out of here.
Calvin: It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the Earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled planet! I'm Leaving.
Hobbes: Really? Where to??
(Calvin stares into space blankly.)
Calvin: You know sometimes you're a real load to have around.
Hobbes: I was just asking!
Calvin: You know what would make this house a lot better?
Calvin's Father: No, What?
Calvin: You should take out the stairs and put in an elevator.
Calvin's Father: Good. I'll file that with your idea for the moving sidewalk.
Calvin's Mother: Sheesh. It's two in the morning. Why do kids always feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If he's going to get me up at this hour, he'd better really be sick.....
Calvin's Mother: I didn't mean It!
Hobbes: Want to go play outside?
Calvin: No. I'm watching TV.
Hobbes: You hate this show. Let's go out
Hobbes: Why not?
Calvin: Dad finally said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out my ears.
Hobbes: So you're going to?
Calvin: It was a hard won privilege.
Calvin: When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
Calvin: Hic. Hic. Hic. (Hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic)the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic)
Hobbes: What is it? Do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? what??
Calvin: The (hic) (hic) I have (hic) have the (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic)...
Hobbes: I love doing this.
Hobbes: I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patients friends.
Calvin: It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance...It's important that one learns the value of money.
Calvin: "Money! HA HA HA! I'm rich! I'm Rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine!
Calvin's Dad: I blew it again, Dear!
Hobbes: ....Suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made, but
too late to change anything.
Calvin: I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it.
Calvin: Nope. Guess again.
Hobbes: Six million and four
Calvin: Nope. Guess again.
(Hobbes leaves in the panel)
Calvin: WHAT'S THE MATTER, DON'T YOU LIKE GAMES??
Calvin: Life is a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
Calvin: Too bad the world will be ending soon.
Hobbes: Beg Your Pardon?
Calvin: Haley's comet. Comet's are harbingers of doom.
Hobbes: No, they aren't. That's just superstition.
Calvin: Really?? Guess I'd better write that book report.
Calvin: Toll booth, dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter!
Calvin's Father: Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage?
Calvin: Because if you don't, I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in!
(Calvin in his room) Calvin: What a cheapskate.
Calvin: Physical Education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
Calvin: You know you'll hate something when they wont tell you what it is.
Calvin: I wonder where we go when we die.
Calvin: You mean if we're good or if we're bad.
Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?
Hobbes: Well...say the object of your affection walks by....
Hobbes: ...First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain. And you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
Calvin's Mother: What do you think people have feet for?
Calvin: To work the gas pedal.
Hobbes: A bee landed on your back!
Calvin: A BEE?? ACCKK! GET IT AWAY!!
Hobbes: Don't move. And it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants.
Hobbes: He imagined it.
Calvin: Hello, Calvin speaking I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza.
Person on the other line: What? I...??
Calvin: Oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye......I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
Calvin's Mom: Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to grandma?
Calvin: Evidently some bug....
Calvin: Psst...Susie! What's 12 + 7?
Susie: A billion
Calvin: Thanks!.....Wait a minute. That can't be right.....that's what she said 3+4 was.
Calvin: Mom's not feeling well.. So I'm making her a "get well" card.
Hobbes: That's thoughtful of you.
Calvin: See on the front it says, "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin" Want to sign it?
Hobbes: Sure. I'm hungry too.
Calvin: I need help with my homework. What's a pronoun?
Hobbes: A noun that's lost it's amateur status.
Calvin: Fifth period: "studies in contemporary state sponsored terrorism"...also known as gym class.
Calvin: Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy......and tell him the awful truth about this place!
Calvin's Father: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
Calvin: ....It's not fair!
Calvin's Father: The World isn't fair.
Calvin: I know, but why isn't it even unfair in my favor?
Calvin: There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.
Calvin: Do you think there's a God?
Calvin: Well Somebody's out to get me.
Calvin: There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
Calvin: I always forget. If you ask a mom, you always get a worst-case scenario.
Calvin: Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself!
Hobbes: What did you write?
......My past self is corresponding with my future self.
Hobbes: To bad you can't write back.
Calvin: I got another letter from my past self.
Hobbes: What's it say?
Calvin reads from the letter:
Dear future Calvin,
I wrote this several days before you will receive it.
You've done things I haven't done.
You've seen things I haven't seen.
You know things I don't know.
You lucky dog!
Your pal, Calvin.
........*sniff* I feel so sorry for myself two days ago.
Hobbes: Poor him. He wasn't you.
Calvin: I hate all this wind! This is unpleasant! Stupid, Miserable
wind! What lousy weather! What an awful day!
Hobbes: Well if you cant change it. what's the point in griping about it?
Calvin: I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
Calvin: Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely useless.
Calvin: .....A big part of life is horrifying surprise.
Calvin's Mother's Day card: "I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, but then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small so I guess you're pretty luck that I got you anything at all. Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it, now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for your son?"
Calvin Day-dreaming:...into a world beyond human
comprehension...into a world where time has no meaning!
Calvin: man, this class lasts forever!
Teacher: ...so we carry the three into the tens column...
Calvin: Hey dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out
in the back yard?
Calvin's dad: "What on earth for?
Calvin: I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn and
set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over!
Calvin's dad: No. You can't do that! Don't be ridiculous!
....I don't even want to know what he intended to write.
Calvin: The longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.
Calvin's mom thinking to herself in the grocery store: 15
people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait
10 minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited two
minutes I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the
person on the telephone.
Cashier: Have a nice day.
Calvin's mom: Too Late
Calvin: I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
Calvin: Life is full of precluded possibilities.
THINGS I WILL NEVER LIKE:
1. DRYING OFF WITH A COLD, DAMP TOWEL.
2. THE FEELING OF SEAWEED WRAPPING AROUND MY LEG
3. ANYTHING THAT WAS POPULAR IN THE 70'S
4. LICORICE, YAMS, OR RAISINS.
5. THAT HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH THAT BABIES MAKE.
6. WRITHING MAGGOTS
Calvin: ...It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
[After getting soaked by the school water fountain:]
Calvin: I'll bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure.
Calvin: Look at this, Hobbes. I added up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days-morning, noon, and night-just sitting in the stupid bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that??
Hobbes: How long did it take you to add this all up?
Calvin: I'm a man of few words
Hobbes: Maybe if you read more, you'd have a larger vocabulary...
Calvin: Look! I caught a butterfly!
Hobbes: If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
[Calvin releases the butterfly]
Calvin's Father: Trust me, ok?
Calvin: Trust you? I hardly know you!
Calvin's Father: I'm your father!
Calvin: What, for six years?? When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going!
Calvin's Father: You need a goal. concentrate on your goal.
Calvin: My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt!
Calvin's Father: ok, that's not a good goal.
Calvin: Well I'm not changing it!
Calvin: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
Hobbes: Somehow. it's always right now until its later.
Calvin: Life is too inconvenient
I think that everyone has been the victim of the following thinking at one time or another:
Calvin: I wonder how long its been since I last looked at the clock. Maybe it's been an hour. Well, actually it's probably been only 40 minutes. I'll guess half an hour to be safe......[he looks at the clock,) 20 seconds?! It's going to be a very long day.
Calvin: I want the last piece of pie! don't divide it up! Give it all to me!
Calvin's Mother: Don't be selfish, Calvin
Calvin: So what your saying is "be honest" ?
[Calvin's Mother hands Calvin the whole piece of pie.]
Calvin: I really hate having things put into perspective.
Calvin: I like the sound of sleet hitting the window panes at night. And I like when the sleet turns to heavy snow as it gets colder, so you know that tomorrow the world will be buried in ice and snow! It's one of the few pleasures reserved for those who don't drive.
Calvin: Let's try this path over here!
Hobbes: I don't see a path.
Calvin: We'll make a path.
[A metaphor for how we should look at life and each challenge that we come across. ]
Calvin: New experiences lead to new questions and new solutions.
Calvin: Change forces us to experiment and adapt! That's how we learn and grow!
Hobbes: The problem with new experiences is that they're so rarely the ones you choose.
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